THE TWART

 

(Gel Fineliner on A5 Paper)

A “Twart” (Twat Artist) has many other names, but twart suits them best here. These are a different kind of artist, usually art school graduates, who try far too hard to be artists, each carrying a metaphorical “ABC Book of How To Be An Artist” ticking off various aspects of what they think artists are like.

They try to go for the rough, bohemian look, as if they're struggling to make ends meet, and attempt to be “on trend” by wearing something like a rainbow hat or shirt, but closer inspection reveals their true nature. Certain items of clothing will be expensive labels. They'll have the latest smartphone (fully paid for – no contract phone for them) or they'll be wearing a smartwatch, which is usually a dead giveaway.

And as for their artwork – Fuck me! You won't find anything cheesier and so inoffensive. Pictorial evidence, if there ever was, they've never really lived, or have any idea what the real world's like. They can call themselves artists. No-one can ever take that away from them, but they'll always be twarts.

And, when they're about to give up on their deluded dream, softly falling back, as they always do, on the financial safety net of their parents, they'll start to complain: “Why aren't I famous? I went to art school. I've been exhibited in <insert name of pointless gallery here> So how come I'm not famous?!”

Because you're a twart, mate.