Deadly Silence

(Black biro on 125mm x 75mm note card)

 

As long as he keeps on talking, the balloon will keep him out of reach. Luckily for him, he can arse on about that bollocks forever.

TOON TORN - 29th February







(HB pencil on a 139mm x 87mm postcard)

- NOT AVAILABLE -

 

Once every four years, on the 29th of February, everything in Toonworld changes. On this day of days all toons suddenly become mortal. There are no spinning stars or tweeting birds when one of them is hit. Bones can be easily broken, blood can be shed, and all face the horror of a real and painful death. Most run and hide until it's all over, whilst those who remain indulge themselves like they never could before and settle old scores in the most brutal way possible.

They swear like fucking bastards,

They fuck like fucking whores,

But mostly, they like to kill like fucking psychos.

It's hard to believe that those funny cartoon characters we all enjoyed watching as kids could ever be so nasty. But the ones you least expect tend to be the worst of all.

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A good transmorphic piece (meaning it grew as I was drawing it). Just a shame that I didn't manage to post it on the 29th of February!

Our Billy (Giant Family Robot)

(HB pencil on 125mm x 75mm note card)

 - NOT AVAILABLE -

 Th'z nowt wrong wi' our Billy. Everyone likes him 'round here. It's only sutherners that have a problem wi'him. We had one not s'long since. A Mister Shanks from 'Home Office. Daft bugger dint know wharri were on abaht and got himsen wound up abaht nowt.

 "He's not normal, Mister Ackroyd!" he says to me. "Can't you see that he's made of metal?"

 "Probably from Sheffield," I says. "Th've all got steel in their blood ovver there. So they say anyway." Then this Shanks feller turned right nasty.

 "Are you completely stupid?!" the cheeky bleeder says to me! In m'own house, and in front o' wife 'n' kids 'n' all! "He's not human," he says. "He's some unearthly freak!" Well, I just snapped dint I? After I gently ushered wife 'n' kids out o' room and closed 'door behind them.

 "Now you listen to me, y'pin-striped pillock!" I says, not wanting t'raise m'voice 'coz o' neighbours like. "Just 'coz our Billy dunt drink or smoke dunt make him different. I'm sure that's homophobic, or summat, I dunno. He's a proper man's man. Works his shift at pit and pays his way. He even looks after his pigeons well, and they're 'only ones that shite all ovver him. If you can't accept 'im for wharri is, then y'can just bugger off back down sahth, because y'not welcome 'round here!" And I sent him on his way with a flea in his ear.

 "BLOODY SUTHERNERS, EH PHIL?" Billy said to me later on.

Aye, bloody sutherners. None of 'em know what's reet.

 

Conspiracy Of Silence

(Black biro on a 75mm x 75mm post-it note)

  - NOT AVAILABLE -

As you can see, I've based this idea on the three wise monkeys, which works well for the mad world of alien conspiracies..

 

The Balloon Seller

(HB pencil on 125mm x 75mm note paper)

- NOT AVAILABLE -

 

Don't expect this old balloon seller to be made into a Royal Doulton porcelain figure anytime soon!

Nobody knows her name, but she does have her own unique way with children. If they misbehave, she'll start by taking away their pets - one by one. If they still persist in being unruly, then she'll take away their parents - one by one. Sooner or later they learn manners and morals. If they don't, and they grow up into misbehaving adults, then she punishes them by cutting off their hands - one by one.

But mostly, she sells balloons.

 

This is not shit

(Fineliner on 105mm x 73mm card)

My own crude parody of the famous René Magritte work.



Seti Rapunzel

(Black biro on 125mm x 75mm memo paper)

- NOT AVAILABLE -

A SETI themed image.

If she tried a little harder and just took a few risks, then she might escape from her self-imposed, archaic tower prison. Perhaps then she could expand on her limited knowledge of the universe. But she chose the easier option of staying, preferring to let her long hair flail chaotically in the wind with messages tied to the ends. In her mind, someone's bound to notice in time. She hasn't been doing this long and she's already weary of it.
Once, she was wowed by a vague contact, but she heard nothing more from it and her letter for it has slipped from her hand. She only just holds onto the letter for that "special" contact, the one she hopes will bring her complete salvation. But that too may be lost if she loses all interest.

The trouble with the waiting game is that it's not as easy as she first thought. She's still far too young, far too impatient, and her hair is still far too short to make contact. And when that time comes, if ever, it will only be through chance.

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I had one or two problems with this piece. I'm not talking about the mistake on the left hand (which looks odd, I know, but I never worry about such things). I'm talking about when I came to laminate it. The damn thing mangled in the laminator! The only way I could remove the piece was to take the laminator apart, which I did, destroying it in the process. The artwork was in one piece and I managed to peel off the laminate pouch as, thankfully, it wasn't stuck on that well. But it had been creased. Best thing I could do was put it in another laminating pouch and iron-laminate to flatten it. There's still a couple of creases running down the middle, but it's alright. I'm just glad I scanned it first. Considering the loss of the laminator, this has to be the most expensive skav art piece so far!



Neighbourhood Watcher

(HB pencil on a 140mm x 90mm postcard)

- NOT AVAILABLE -

Every home should have a pet dragon. On the back I've written:

In the five years we've had Sparky, he's been no problem at all. He barely needs feeding, unlike those two greedy jack russells we used to have, which cost a fortune in food and vet bills. But they disappeared a few years ago, along with many other pets and small animals that have mysteriously vanished from our estate in recent years. The police have been baffled by it. The last one happened the other day when Mrs Whelen's pedigree golden retriever was snatched from her back garden, She'd only turned her back on it for a second when she suddenely heard it yelp and then nothing. So whoever it is that's stealing these animals is very quick and very professional, and they seem to only target our area. It's a shame Sparky hasn't seen this phantom pet snatcher, because he's good at keeping guard. There's been no burglaries or vandalism since he's been around. Fair enough, there have been incidents where kids have received serious burns, but that should teach them not to throw stones at him.

Sparky's even got himself a special neighbourhood watch award for his services to the community. We took him down to the police station where he received it. I remember it well, because it was the same day that one of their police dogs went missing.

 

Eric Flashbone

(Black biro on 74mm x 51mm card)

Just a strange character that I did on a small off-cut piece of card (I don't like to waste anything!)

Small House For Sale

(black biro on 97mm x 74mm memo paper)

- NOT AVAILABLE -

You see a lot of abandoned drinks cans left by people who haven't figured out the complexities of using a nearby bin. Either that or they're being charitable by giving shelter to tiny people.

"An abandoned local landmark renovated into a cosy little home fit for one person or young couple. Set in a prime window-ledge location, overlooking a panoramic view of a back yard. A good tolerance of cats, rats, and pigeons is essential."